Lunatic Arrested Outside Wrigley

Timothy Arthur

WRIGLEY FIELD -- Chicago police arrested a certified lunatic outside the Friendly Confines today after witnesses reported the man wearing a tight Batman costume with the crotch and butthole portions of the costume cut-out, allowing his genitals to dangle freely in the brisk April air.

Timothy Arthur, 54, of Chicago Heights, was arrested near Gate A after sexually assaulting four Cubbie Girls.  Police officer Dave Duncan was the first to respond.

"He was wearing that ridiculous costume," Duncan said, "but he was pretty fast, we had trouble apprehending him.  But we ended up catching him when he walked up to two Cubbie girls, bent down so that his head was between his knees, turned around and pushed his dick and balls up near his asshole.  He was flashing the girls.  One of the girls fired a beer at his balls, bruising them.  After that, we were able to take him down.  He was begging for butter."

Arthur was carrying a taser and tried to taser the police when they wouldn't allow him to drink a pint of vodka he had hidden in his costume.  He then bit a police officer, tearing out a chunk of flesh

Arthur will be transported to the Cobb County Jail where he will be executed.