President Throws First Pitch

CHICAGO, IL -- President George W. Bush threw out the ceremonial first pitch at Opening Day today, touching off a security nightmare for the Secret Service and Wrigley Field security.  Officials are "stunned" at the strange fever of violence that touched off as the President made his way to the mound.  Several incredible disasters were averted.

Here are the details of the threats that emerged:

• 3 snipers were tackled atop the Wrigleyville rooftops, including one man who was inside the observation deck of the Sears Tower with a long-range scope.  One sniper fell off the rooftop and crashed through the glass ceiling of a restaurant.
• A truck bomb was defused on W. Addison Avenue.  Thirty-five gallons of ammonium nitrate were removed - enough to blow up 30 Wrigley Fields.
• An elderly fan unleashed his German Shepherd (foaming at the mouth) onto the field, telling it to "attack the President."
• An unidentified fan threw a sharpened icicle at the President from the Upper Deck which stuck in the ground 10 feet from him.
• Three pipe bombs covered in steel-nail shrapnel were sent to Wrigley Field mailroom. 
• A teenage fan was seen waving a sword and pulling his cock out in the left-field bleachers.
• The Goodyear Blimp flashed "Kill the President" on it's screen three times and then a man jumped from the Blimp - no chute.
• A female fan flashed the President and tried to hand him a poisonous cocktail near the on deck circle.
• A black cat scaled the ivy and pissed near the 365' sign in left center.

The President's pitch was a wicked curveball that had Damian Miller stretching out of his crouch, tweaking his groin.  The pitch was booed mercilessly.  A microphone caught Sammy Sosa calling the President "a monkey fuck" and it played over the Wrigley loudspeaker. 

The President's motorcade was firebombed as he left the ballpark, but he survived. 

An anonymous Secret Service agent told us, "We're never fucking coming back here again.  Bartman is king, 9/11 was an inside job."  We're not sure who Bartman is, maybe a secret agent.