Fan Injured By Glass

CHICAGO -- A 4-year-old fan was blinded during batting practice yesterday after a shard of glass was purposely thrown at him by an unknown Cubs player. 

The victim, Gabriel Sanchez of Hyde Park, was catching batting practice balls on the street outside the right field wall when an unknown Hispanic player turned around and threw the chunk of glass over the fence.  The shard landed in the child's right eyeball, severing his retina and optic nerve.  Doctors say he will never see again.  Several Cubs players apparently started "laughing" when they heard the boy scream.

Commissioner Elmo Wetstein has forced the Cubs organization to turn over all surveillance tapes.  "We will absolutely get to the bottom of this nightmare soon.  The culprit will be suspended the rest of the year.  This is barbaric, nutcase behavior and it will not stand."

A Cubs official, speaking on the condition of anonimity, said the surveillance tapes would yield nothing because "all the pertinent footage has been mysteriously erased."  Apparently someone in the Cubs front office sabotaged the tapes to protect the player.

Twenty fans claim they saw Moises Alou throw the glass.  These fans have been informed that they have received a lifetime ban from Wrigley.  We will keep you updated on this nightmarish story.

Lunatic Arrested Outside Wrigley

Timothy Arthur

WRIGLEY FIELD -- Chicago police arrested a certified lunatic outside the Friendly Confines today after witnesses reported the man wearing a tight Batman costume with the crotch and butthole portions of the costume cut-out, allowing his genitals to dangle freely in the brisk April air.

Timothy Arthur, 54, of Chicago Heights, was arrested near Gate A after sexually assaulting four Cubbie Girls.  Police officer Dave Duncan was the first to respond.

"He was wearing that ridiculous costume," Duncan said, "but he was pretty fast, we had trouble apprehending him.  But we ended up catching him when he walked up to two Cubbie girls, bent down so that his head was between his knees, turned around and pushed his dick and balls up near his asshole.  He was flashing the girls.  One of the girls fired a beer at his balls, bruising them.  After that, we were able to take him down.  He was begging for butter."

Arthur was carrying a taser and tried to taser the police when they wouldn't allow him to drink a pint of vodka he had hidden in his costume.  He then bit a police officer, tearing out a chunk of flesh

Arthur will be transported to the Cobb County Jail where he will be executed.

President Throws First Pitch

CHICAGO, IL -- President George W. Bush threw out the ceremonial first pitch at Opening Day today, touching off a security nightmare for the Secret Service and Wrigley Field security.  Officials are "stunned" at the strange fever of violence that touched off as the President made his way to the mound.  Several incredible disasters were averted.

Here are the details of the threats that emerged:

• 3 snipers were tackled atop the Wrigleyville rooftops, including one man who was inside the observation deck of the Sears Tower with a long-range scope.  One sniper fell off the rooftop and crashed through the glass ceiling of a restaurant.
• A truck bomb was defused on W. Addison Avenue.  Thirty-five gallons of ammonium nitrate were removed - enough to blow up 30 Wrigley Fields.
• An elderly fan unleashed his German Shepherd (foaming at the mouth) onto the field, telling it to "attack the President."
• An unidentified fan threw a sharpened icicle at the President from the Upper Deck which stuck in the ground 10 feet from him.
• Three pipe bombs covered in steel-nail shrapnel were sent to Wrigley Field mailroom. 
• A teenage fan was seen waving a sword and pulling his cock out in the left-field bleachers.
• The Goodyear Blimp flashed "Kill the President" on it's screen three times and then a man jumped from the Blimp - no chute.
• A female fan flashed the President and tried to hand him a poisonous cocktail near the on deck circle.
• A black cat scaled the ivy and pissed near the 365' sign in left center.

The President's pitch was a wicked curveball that had Damian Miller stretching out of his crouch, tweaking his groin.  The pitch was booed mercilessly.  A microphone caught Sammy Sosa calling the President "a monkey fuck" and it played over the Wrigley loudspeaker. 

The President's motorcade was firebombed as he left the ballpark, but he survived. 

An anonymous Secret Service agent told us, "We're never fucking coming back here again.  Bartman is king, 9/11 was an inside job."  We're not sure who Bartman is, maybe a secret agent.