Fan Injured By Glass

CHICAGO -- A 4-year-old fan was blinded during batting practice yesterday after a shard of glass was purposely thrown at him by an unknown Cubs player. 

The victim, Gabriel Sanchez of Hyde Park, was catching batting practice balls on the street outside the right field wall when an unknown Hispanic player turned around and threw the chunk of glass over the fence.  The shard landed in the child's right eyeball, severing his retina and optic nerve.  Doctors say he will never see again.  Several Cubs players apparently started "laughing" when they heard the boy scream.

Commissioner Elmo Wetstein has forced the Cubs organization to turn over all surveillance tapes.  "We will absolutely get to the bottom of this nightmare soon.  The culprit will be suspended the rest of the year.  This is barbaric, nutcase behavior and it will not stand."

A Cubs official, speaking on the condition of anonimity, said the surveillance tapes would yield nothing because "all the pertinent footage has been mysteriously erased."  Apparently someone in the Cubs front office sabotaged the tapes to protect the player.

Twenty fans claim they saw Moises Alou throw the glass.  These fans have been informed that they have received a lifetime ban from Wrigley.  We will keep you updated on this nightmarish story.

Lunatic Arrested Outside Wrigley

Timothy Arthur

WRIGLEY FIELD -- Chicago police arrested a certified lunatic outside the Friendly Confines today after witnesses reported the man wearing a tight Batman costume with the crotch and butthole portions of the costume cut-out, allowing his genitals to dangle freely in the brisk April air.

Timothy Arthur, 54, of Chicago Heights, was arrested near Gate A after sexually assaulting four Cubbie Girls.  Police officer Dave Duncan was the first to respond.

"He was wearing that ridiculous costume," Duncan said, "but he was pretty fast, we had trouble apprehending him.  But we ended up catching him when he walked up to two Cubbie girls, bent down so that his head was between his knees, turned around and pushed his dick and balls up near his asshole.  He was flashing the girls.  One of the girls fired a beer at his balls, bruising them.  After that, we were able to take him down.  He was begging for butter."

Arthur was carrying a taser and tried to taser the police when they wouldn't allow him to drink a pint of vodka he had hidden in his costume.  He then bit a police officer, tearing out a chunk of flesh

Arthur will be transported to the Cobb County Jail where he will be executed.